The worst part about it is that I built it myself. Brick by brick, fixing it all in place. I've been surrounding myself with a cold, dark, hard room. I didn't notice how bad it had gotten until I realised I hadn't seen any friends for almost 5 months. I sit at home, alone. I go to class, alone. I come back, alone. Then I sit and watch TV shows or movies on my computer. I don't go anywhere else, don't interact with anyone else. The only thing that stops my chest from feeling tight, stops my hands shaking or stops my head from feeling like I just spun around in a chair for an hour is being able to lose myself in music or a fictional world. 
 It's gotten to the point that I barely eat anything throughout the day, just staring at a screen, or staring at my roof with headphones on. On the bus or train to class I sit and stare out the window, headphones in, avoiding eye contact. I try sitting by myself, choosing to stand over sitting next to anyone. I was never close with my family (aside from my parents, I don't have any family living in the same country). 
 The problems have bled in to my studies. It started getting bad about a year and a half ago, I would feel shaky and breathing would get difficult right before an exam. Over the last few months it's gotten worse, I feel that way almost as soon as I hear about the exam or assignment. I was never the most hard working student, but I never really let myself get close to failing. Now I'm worried that I could fail almost half my subjects in one semester. My parents both want me to go on and do a postgrad degree, which I don't think I want to do, and know I wouldn't be able to cope with. I don't have any to talk to about this, and I'm scared of the direction that my thoughts have turned to. The word "useless" echos through my mind everyday, more times than I can count. I can't remember the last day that I didn't think about killing myself. 
 Ever since high school finished I drifted away from all of my friends. I don't feel like I deserve to have friends. I was always shy and quiet as a kid, it's gotten to a different level recently. Whenever I'm out at class, instead of trying to make new friends, I hide away in my shell until I can come home. Whenever I use to see them I consciously kept them at arms length, "If they really got to know you, they would hate you". Now I actively push them away, don't return calls, ignore messages (not that I get many of either, maybe once a month at most, closer to once every few months). Cannot blame them, who would stay friends with someone that tries to actively avoid them. 
 I've tried letting out the frustration, but I can't. I can't scream, I can't cry, everything either feels numb or feels like my chest is going to explode. Don't understand why this is happening or why it keeps getting worse every day. I feel weak, then hate myself for my lack of strength. I hate myself when I don't see my friends, yet I hate myself too much to actually think I deserve to see them. It feels like I'm throwing myself against the walls and bars of my own psyche, futily, trying to escape from my thoughts, but just beating myself up even more. I just want to be free from all of this. 
 Sorry if this is poorly written, I'm just tired, hazy and frustrated. I don't know if it's anxiety, or if it's depression, or if I'm just weak. Just needed to write something.
